YOU'RE OLDER THAN SOMEONE.

I was looking in Titus at chapter 2. If you're not familiar with this chapter, it talks about how older Christian women should take younger women under their wings. It talks about how they should be 'reverent' in their behaviour, how they shouldn't allow themselves to be slaves to too much wine. What really caught my eye was the instructions to teach, to train younger Christian women (in what it looks like to love your husband & children, in self control, in kindness etc).

Maybe I read this at a time where I was really just in need of sound Christian woman-to-woman counsel, but I craved this! I find myself stumbling a lot, and truly most of my advice comes from 20 year old girls who don't know anything either. I really found myself getting frustrated that I couldn't find these older Christian women who would mentor me and help me along the way.. until a little voice in the back of my head reminded me "hey, you're older than someone too. Why aren't you stepping up and being 'that' woman?" Despite having many lessons still to learn, I hope that I can help another sister in Christ with the lessons i've learnt already. So here's to the first blog post.

SPEAKING OF JOY....

If i’ve learnt anything in life, when it comes to Our Heavenly Father, its that He doesn’t give me what I think will make me happy, He gives me what I need. 

He doesn’t give me what I think will make me happy. He gives me what I need. 

Usually what I want, what I think will make me happy, turns out to be really off base. Things I foolishly thought would make me happy over the years include, (forgive me, this list is about to be seriously juvenile)

being skinnier

having a boyfriend

having a higher paying job

drinking and being invited to the coolest parties

Im sure I wasn't the only teenage girl who prioritized looks, social status, money or boys, and i’m sure i’m not the only young adult (or even adult) who sometimes falls into old habits of chasing after worldly goals, even though we know they fail us every time. 

The Lord gave me very different plans for my life and for my happiness than I had planned. In waves, I learnt that none of these things made me happy. (I eventually learnt that true joy comes from Him alone) but it was really devastating to me that one by one these things I wanted, I yearned for, things that consumed my thoughts and even prayed for were taken away. For the next few posts I'm going to try and break down each of these items on the list and explain why my happiness didn't come from there.. How it comes from Jesus. 

"If I was skinny, i'd be happy"

I was significantly heavier in high school. At my highest weight I was 225 lbs. I was very aware that I was unhealthy, but i was both unmotivated & just unsure how to go about change my habits. While in freshman year of high school, a friend told me about these two boys in our class. She told me that she overheard them calling me names. When i pressed her for more information… she seemed really embarrassed and upset for me and told me they were calling me “Gigantor”.. as in gigantic.

Ouch. That one stung. Honestly sometimes I look in the mirror and still think about that nickname. My motivation for loosing weight was two sided. I wanted to be able to run without feeling like my body was giving out on me- or as dramatic 16 year old me might have said “I just want to run with out feeling like i’m gonna die!” , but I truthfully wanted boys to see me as a girl.. maybe even a pretty one, but definitely not “gigantor”. 

And guess what! I did it. I lost a significant amount of weight. I am down 85 lbs as I am posting this. Im sure Our Heavenly Father wants me to be healthy, so that I can use my body to the best of its ability, so that I can run around with my kids when i have them. So that I can volunteer to help my friend landscape her yard, so that I can move boxes to the basement in my grandma’s house. But my motivation for wanting this change was BEYOND unhealthy. I wanted worldly recognition. And here is the issue with that. Placing your happiness in the hands of anyone other than Jesus, you are guaranteed to be hurt. I realized-eventually- that there would always be someone skinnier than I was, or more fit. I realized I would always want to beat my own “lowest weigh ins” or plank for longer than i had the week before. It was a game I couldn’t win. The work was never finished. I also realized that there are a TON of different boys and there is not one single body type that will please everyone. (though that should never be your motivation anyway- and i'll tell you why). 

    I went to a party while in university, it was a house party and there was a big area in the living room cleared out to be a dance floor. I’ll never ever forget that party. I was dancing with this boy and a slow song came on, i turned to walk away, because I was getting tired.. and he grabbed my waist to turn me around. (Sign number one he definitely wasn’t a super guy.. I mean any guy who’s comfortable grabbing your hips, after knowing you for two songs, isn’t someone you want to keep dancing with- I promise.) Anyway, he pulled his hands away and said “was that your hipbone I just felt?” You should know that at this point I was full-on obsessed with how I looked. On some completely weird level, I felt a little proud. "Gigantors don’t have visible hipbones/ hipbones you can feel" I thought to myself. But I tried my best to act non- chalant, smiled a half smile and replied “yep I guess so, why?”. He looked a little disgusted and he turned on his heels as he muttered “Ugh. Too skinny.” under his breath.

That guy. Mr. Hip-grab. Wow. he devastated me! Not because he was a stand up guy (obviously not) or even that I wanted anything to do with him specifically, but it was that moment that it occurred to me, the work would never be done. My body couldn’t please everybody. I would never be perfect. That realization hit me so hard. A little voice in the back of my head piped up saying.. “maybe your body wasn’t made to please everyone.” 

Heres the thing.. Just because I wasn’t having sex with these boys, didn’t mean I wasn’t sexualizing my own body. I was treating myself like a party favour. I was treating myself like someone who’s worth was found in my ability to make boys attracted to me. I can only imagine how disappointed The Lord was with me. How sad He was watching me obsess over the scale for the worst reasons. How upset He must have been that I didn’t know my own worth. Our worth, ladies, it is found in Jesus. That makes you amazing, and i don't mean that as some cheesy blanket statement. Not so sure? Think for a minute about Who made you.. He made me in His own image! He gave you a body that is incredible! I mean think about it. Your body is so incredibly intricate. Your body is full of fail safes to make sure you stay alive (seriously, just research the heart), your body has the ability to create new LIFE. How much more beautiful and purposeful can we get? What if we looked at our bodies for what they enable us to do? For our families and for others?

WHAT IF 

“I hate my hands. I have sausage fingers. I’m really self conscious about them.” turned into “Thank you, Lord. Today these hands helped me make dinner for my family. They put a bandaid on a scraped knee. Today these hands allowed me to earn a living or today these hands allowed me to turn the pages to my favourite book.”

WHAT IF 

“I hate my feet. They are huge! I can never find shoes my size and I’m really embarrassed when people point it out.” turned into “Thank you, Lord. Thank you that I even have two feet to stand on. Some people aren't so lucky. Today these feet allowed me to drive my car to see family. Today these feet let me play hide and go seek with my nieces and nephews. Today these feet took me for a hike in the mountains.”

Yep. Here we go. I challenge you to counter every negative thought you have about yourself today, with a small prayer thanking The Lord for that exact thing you don't like about yourself. (This is in part a challenge for me too.)

Back to the list though, being skinnier didn’t make me happy. Though 15 year old me would never have believed it. On the flip side, being fit does enable me to help those around me, and THAT makes me happy. Serving others. I can’t even tell you the amount of times i would look in the mirror and think little “Lord, if you can hear me. Please help me be smaller. Ill be so much happier.” My priorities were a mess. The Lord didn’t give me what I thought would make me happy. The Lord gave me what I needed. He gave me a serious break down. He gave me the realization that I would never reach an “ultimate goal weight”. He gave me a really unpleasant rejection from Mr. Hip-grab to show me how ridiculously warped my self image was. He gave me The Holy Spirit to guide me and to remind me my body was made for glorious things! (Not to please boys.)

So, ladies, if you’re reading this and you struggle with weight.. with self image. If you’re going to get into shape, i encourage you to do it for the right reasons, sister. Do it because you want to be the best you. Because you want your body to be capable of doing what God has in store for you. Don’t let it become an idol in your life! If you want to message me, please please do. I’ve been there. I know its a fine line between being a goal and being an idol some days, and I know its an ongoing struggle. 

"If I had a boyfriend, i'd be happy"

I truly thought once I had a boyfriend i’d be happy. Long before I knew Jesus, this was a priority for me. Now even, as a young adult, the longing to do life with someone definitely seeps into my thoughts! Let’s be real. Who on earth doesn’t want to adventure with someone, doesn't want to have someone to talk to for hours, someone to hold their hand through the rough patches? Its natural. Its natural to want that. I’m not going to tell you it won’t make you happy, truthfully finding someone you connect with will probably make you very happy! It has definitely made me happy. 

I’ve had two real relationships in my life, i’m going to use the word ‘real’ loosely here. (Who defines what a ‘real’ relationship is, anyway? Is it based off of how long you dated each other? If you said the L word?) I say they were real, because they were real to me. I learnt a ton about myself, about boys, about relationships, and about heart ache from both of those relationships. 

My first boyfriend was when i was about 16 years old. Through shy glances and probably some whispering through the grapevine that is high school, we both found out the other was interested. I didn’t really know him! I observed him at school, I knew he was respected and i realized i don't think he knew that. I realized he was kind to those around him. I liked the way he had a goofy smile and i thought he was cute. I was so shocked and incredibly happy that he was interested in me at all. Eventually, he asked me to go on a date and the rest was history. Was I happy? Absolutely! I was going mini golfing, and going to movies with him, I was going to amusement parks with him and we were laughing our heads off. My time consisted of school (which we both attended), spending time with this boyfriend, the occasional night of homework, and if I had time… family. 

My second boyfriend was while I was in second year university. At this point I finally knew Jesus (Praise God!) and this boy attended church too. Everything with this boy seemed different, I guess it finally felt like I was in a grown-up relationship. Together we would explore, snowboard, cook, go on road trips, go dancing, watch movies, laugh, go swimming, go to church. My time while in this relationship consisted of spending time with him, school/work , friends/ social life, family and making sure I attended church or spent time in The Word on Sundays. But Jesus was not at the center of our relationship, not even close. We may have attended church together on Sundays, but Jesus did not consume our conversation on Mondays through to Saturdays. We were not focused on loving each other or even others like Christ did- selflessly. We both came into this relationship with the same selfish mentality that I had since I was 16. We both wanted to be happy, have fun, go on adventures. We both didn’t want to be lonely. Did I have fun? Absolutely. Was I happy? Sure.

This took me a while to realize, but how you spend your time completely reflects who (and what) you value. My values, according to how i spent my time, were a mess! Even when I knew who Jesus was and what He had done for me, I lived as though praising Him one day a week was sufficient. On top of the fact that I didn’t truly have a relationship with Jesus at 16 & He didn’t consume my time or my thoughts..My life, in both instances, articulated that my family- the people who built me up and loved me always, they were of the least importance. My family makes me happy too, don’t get me wrong. They weren’t at the bottom of my priority list because i didn't love them, but i was being selfish. They didn’t bring me the same kind of happiness that being with these boy did. Do you see what I mean by selfish? My time reflected what made ME the happiest.. Everything was for MY benefit. 

It is wonderful to meet someone you connect with! If you’ve found this, i’m so truly happy for you! You deserve to feel happy. I urge you to think about how you spend your time.. What does your life reflect your priorities are? If your own happiness is number one, what should you be changing? Are you making time for others? For your family? and most importantly time to glorify God?

I urge you to guard your heart with boys. What does that look like? Hmm.. for me it’s not allowing any one person to consume you, to be your anchor, to be your priority number one. Its knowing that if you place your whole happiness, your whole heart, in the hands of another human being, they’ll drop it. Jesus should forever own your heart and your happiness, be your anchor and be priority number one. I urge you to build a relationship centered on Him. On praising Him. I urge you to find a boy who you can laugh with and adventure with and have fun with, but above all that you can glorify God with. And I promise you, if you place your heart and your happiness in His hands He won’t ever drop it.